Dina Kelberman || Getting Nailed Down || 2010

Getting Nailed Down, 2010
10 minute play

Most recently performed at Whartscape 2010, Charles Theater, Baltimore, MD
Directed by Ben O'Brien. Starring Mason Ross, Adam Endres, Donna Sellinger, Steven Strohmeier, Jordan Card, & Ben O'Brien
All photos by Holden Warren

Donna Sellinger as Hermaine II

Jordan Card as Blue Balloon

Jordan Card as Blue Balloon and Adam Endres as Explode

Jordan Card as Blue Balloon, Adam Endres as Explode, Mason Ross as Hermaine, Donna Sellinger as Hermaine II

Jordan Card as Blue Balloon and Steven Strohmeier as Armand

This play was also produced for The 10 Minute Play Festival in Baltimore, 2010
10 Minute Play Festival 2010 Volume One available here!

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GETTING NAILED DOWN

CAST (in order of apperance)

Blue Balloon – a person dressed as a long, narrow, blue balloon
Hermaine – wears yellow
Explode – wears grey
Hermaine II – another version of Hermaine (looks identical)
Armand – wears red
Hermaine Dummy – an actual dummy
Hermaine Dummy II – a living version of the Hermaine Dummy (looks identical)
Swindly – a dolphin

(Stage directions in italics and bold are yoga positions.)

SCENE I

Scene opens w/ spotlight fade up on BLUE BALLOON at far stage right, jiggling arms and legs and making contented faces. Spotlight widens to show HERMAINE laying down nearby, flat on back, arms and legs splayed open, staring up. EXPLODE is performing Reiki on HERMAINE.

EXPLODE: Okay . . . I think this time it’s gonna work.

HERMAINE: I – (is immediately cut off by EXPLODE)

EXPLODE: DON’T SAY ANYTHING! (begins to resume but it’s quickly apparent that it’s not working anymore) Great. It’s broken. (stands up) It’s not my fault. You suck at this. You’re just super not-transcendent and it’s annoying.

HERMAINE: Is – (is immediately cut off by EXPLODE)

EXPLODE: Ohmygodwhatthehell? DON’T TALK.

HERMAINE makes an “I don’t know what to do then” face.

EXPLODE: (frustrated) Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe we’re not ready for this. Maybe it’s too soon.

HERMAINE makes another face in an attempt to convey emotion without speaking.

EXPLODE: (tired) I should just go. I’ll just get my stuff and go . . . sorry. I mean, you know, maybe we can do this some other time. Sorry. I just . . .you said you were gonna make an effort.

EXPLODE goes over to BLUE BALLOON and gently guides BB off stage left. HERMAINE remains, unmoving. HERMAINE closes eyes.

Spotlight fades up on stage left. HERMAINE II is doing a headstand. Both spotlights fade down.

SCENE II

Spotlight fades up on stage right. HERMAINE lays down, flat on back, arms and legs splayed open, staring up. ARMAND is performing Reiki on HERMAINE.

ARMAND: Do you feel anything?

HERMAINE: I don’t know.

ARMAND: Is it working? Is this working??

HERMAINE: I don’t know! You don’t know?

ARMAND: Oh my god am I hurting you?? Am I powerful??

HERMAINE: What?

ARMAND: Tell me if you can feel this. (Does something specific)

HERMAINE: Oh . . . yeah it . . . wait . . . was it . . . that? Which was it?

ARMAND: (Gives some kind of “what, are you kidding me?” look to HERMAINE. HERMAINE is embarrassed.)

HERMAINE: Am I doing a bad job?

ARMAND: Kind of. Yeah.

HERMAINE: I get that a lot.

ARMAND: I just feel like you’re not taking me seriously.

HERMAINE: No I am!

ARMAND: Well one of us isn’t taking the other one seriously. That’s for sure.

HERMAINE looks askance.

ARMAND: It’s like . . . it’s like your mirror neurons aren’t taking me seriously.

HERMAINE: I don’t think that’s possible.

ARMAND: Are you colorblind?

HERMAINE: What’s that mean?

ARMAND: Colors.

HERMAINE: What?

ARMAND: COLORS.

HERMAINE: Like what?

ARMAND: Well, you know round?

HERMAINE: Oh yeah! I love round!

ARMAND: You know pointy?

HERMAINE: Yeah.

ARMAND: Well it’s like them, but it’s another one, a different kind. And it’s see-through.

HERMAINE nods, thinking about this deeply. Spotlight fades up stage left.

HERMAINE II is lying identically to HERMAINE. Over the course of the next couple lines HERMAINE II gets into the wheel and holds till the end of the scene.

ARMAND (stands up) Ok, well, I’ll bring that form over to your house for you to sign ok? I think if we do like one more session that’s all the hours I need.

HERMAINE: (distracted, still concentrating) Yeah. Okay.

ARMAND exits stage left. HERMAINE stares straight up, thinking hard.

HERMAINE: Yellow.

Both spotlights fade down.

SCENE III

Spotlight fades up stage right. ARMAND kneels above a dummy version of HERMAINE, performing Reiki on it. EXPLODE stands above them with a clipboard, observing. ARMAND is wearing some kind of ridiculous head-garb or something.

ARMAND: . . . and you will feel your inner fingers respond. Your inner fingers are loosening.

EXPLODE: Very good. (makes a mark on the clipboard.)

ARMAND: (visibly encouraged) Waggle your inner fingers. Feel them waggle.

EXPLODE nods and makes more clipboard marks.

ARMAND begins to make gestures above the HERMAINE dummy’s legs, as if lifting them invisibly.

ARMAND: Your fingers. Your feet.

Spotlight fades up on stage left. HERMAINE DUMMY II is doing a heandstand. ARMAND looks up at EXPLODE, finished.

EXPLODE: Very good.

ARMAND is happy. Both spotlights fade down.

SCENE IV

Spotlight fades up stage left. HERMAINE II wears a yellow swim cap and goggles. SWINDLY enters, swimming alongside HERMAINE II. They acknowledge each other with nods and swim for a bit without speaking. They are exercising.

SWINDLY: (exhuberantly friendly) I’m tired! You tired? This is EXHAUSTING!

HERMAINE II: I don’t know. I can’t tell.

SWINDLY: God I’m EXHAUSTED! I’m so TIRED! It’s like, I wish I was, like – dead!

HERMAINE II: That must be very difficult for you.

SWINDLY: Oh man, not me! I love this feeling! (suddenly feeling competitive) Who can swim faster?

SWINDLY starts swimming more ferociously, HERMAINE II struggles to keep up.

SWINDLY: Ha! (taking it down a notch, triumphantly) I knew it was me.

HERMAINE II: Well this is just recreational for me.

SWINDLY: Yeah, me too, me too. But faster.

Spotlight fades up stage right. HERMAINE laying in the same spot on the stage, in the same way, legs and arms out, staring at ceiling. A beach towel is under HERMAINE’S bod. A beachball is next to HERMAINE'S head. HERMAINE is wearing sunglasses.

ARMAND, EXPLODE and BLUE BALLOON enter from stage left. They both are also wearing sunglasses. EXPLODE ushers BLUE BALLOON back into the same spot from before, and BB makes floaty movements again. Throughout the scene, BLUE BALLOON eyes the beachball with great interest. ARMAND and EXPLODE lay out their towels near but not with, HERMAINE.

EXPLODE: Ohmygod, that tea ceremony was the fucking shit! Amiright?

ARMAND: Yeah! Yeah, I totally thought so!

EXPLODE: Yessssssssssssssss! (pumps fist in that way) They high-five.

HERMAINE closes eyes tight, tighter. HERMAINE II and SWINDLY swim faster. ARMAND and EXPLODE are having a great time together. They put suntan lotion on each other’s backs.

SWINDLY: (Still swimming, looks up at the sky) Hey, should we be wearing suntan lotion?

HERMAINE II: (Still swimming) I don’t think it matters here.

SWINDLY: (Stops swimming. HERMAINE II stops too) It’s important to protect yourself. Don’t be a hero.

At this point BLUE BALLOON is overcome with curiosity and begins handling the beachball.

HERMAINE II: Well, okay. Here, I guess, I’ll put it on – (HERMAINE II is cut off by the sound of the beachball popping)

Both spotlights abruptly down.

SCENE V

Spotlight fades up on stage right and stage left simultaneously. HERMAINE lies as before, stage right. A blanket is over HERMAINE’S bod. A lamp is next to HERMAINE'S head. HERMAINE II is stage left, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of a tv, playing Tetris.

HERMAINE: How are we doing?

HERMAINE II: (never stops looking at screen and playing Tetris during this conversation) Good. Too soon to tell though. You know.

HERMAINE: What level are we on now?

HERMAINE II: 13. I’m feeling pretty good about things but you know, it’s all about level 19.

HERMAINE: I know.

Beat

HERMAINE: Do you think we could play chess again some time?

HERMAINE II: I hated that.

HERMAINE: Yeah but, like, I bet if we just kept trying we could get better at it and then it would suck less. And like . . . chess is for smart people.

HERMAINE II: Tetris is for smart people too.

HERMAINE: Yeah but I never get to play.

HERMAINE II: That’s cause you fuck the whole thing up.

HERMAINE: I know.

Beat. Suddenly HERMAINE II becomes visibly more stressed out and frantic in the gameplay.

HERMAINE: Oh no!

HERMAINE II comes to frantic conclusion, having lost the game.

HERMAINE II: Shit!!!

HERMAINE: Ok. It’s ok. Just breathe. Start over.

SCENE VI

Spotlight fades up stage right. HERMAINE lays as before. Spotlight fades up stage left. HERMAINE II is attempting to perform the scorpion, but is having a hard time.

HERMAINE: (With quiet concentration. Eyes open) Blue.

HERMAINE II struggles.

HERMAINE: Blue.

HERMAINE II struggles, becoming increasingly discouraged.

HERMAINE: Blue.

HERMAINE II continues to struggle, and is basically falling over as the spotlight fades down on stage left.

HERMAINE: (Abandoning concentration) Dicks.

Spotlight fades down on stage right.

SCENE VII

HERMAINE: Thanks for doing this, I really want it to work this time.

EXPLODE: Well, hopefully that’s true. I mean, I can only do so much of this myself, you know?

HERMAINE: I know, I know. I’m really in it for the long haul this time, I mean it.

EXPLODE: Well, your aspect seems more open-minded than before . . . but I’m still having a hard time reading your tone quality . . . have you been taking bird pollen supplements?

HERMAINE: Huh?

EXPLODE: (Slightly exhasperated) Do you even read the newspaper?

HERMAINE: I’ve been blacking out a lot lately, so I’m not really sure.

EXPLODE: Well you certainly haven’t been wearing enough feather or feather-type garb. First impressions count, you know? In fact, I guess now they count twice as much.

HERMAINE: Really?

EXPLODE: YES. That happened like a week ago! Man, you are so out of it.

HERMAINE: Well it’s just i’ve been trying to break this tetris world record and teach myself to see colors so. . . I guess I’ve been kind of distracted. EXPLODE looks at HERMAINE with disapproval. So yeah okay, I’ll . . . I’ll get some feathers.

Beat

Do . . . do they have to be real feathers?

EXPLODE: (Freaking out) WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?? THIS IS REAL!!! SHIT!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! WHY DO YOU PULL SHIT BULLSHIT EVERY TIME I TRY TO HELP YOU GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BOX??? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PULL ONE IOTA OF FUCKING COSMIC EFFORT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING ASS FOR FIVE SEC –

BLUE BALLOON pops. EXPLODE is visibly horrified and physically distraught.

MY SPIRIT ANIMAL!!!! FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!

HERMAINE: Oh my god! Are you –

Spotlight quickly down.

SCENE VIII

Spotlight fades up on stage right and stage left simultaneously. HERMAINE lies as before, stage right. HERMAINE is covered in paper feathers. A lamp is next to HERMAINE'S head. HERMAINE II is stage left, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of a tv, playing Tetris.

HERMAINE II plays the game for a bit, then looks over at HERMAINE.

HERMAINE II: You know, I think it’s actually helping.

HERMAINE smiles.

THE END